All Shook Up with PTSD from Liver Disease

After being sick with cirrhosis, going through treatment for Hepatitis C, liver cancer, transplant, and ALL THAT STUFF, I can feel a bit off sometimes. Physically, my hands and heart tremble like little tiny earthquakes are going off inside me. Mentally… yeah, I kind of quiver there too. It doesn’t take much to get it started either. Sometimes, I wake up with a frightening feeling – like the door to my house is open. I’ve gotten up and checked often enough that I don’t even bother any more. I know that my safety is assured. It’s something like feeling unsafe, but not quite….. I can’t always put my finger on it. It’s like I’m all shook up with PTSD from liver disease.

All shook up with PTSD from liver disease

As my cirrhosis got worse, so did the HE. With hepatic encephalopathy, we start to experience a lot of feelings – and can also think the same thoughts over and over. This energy, or shakiness, can be pointed in many directions.

You may turn it inward and focus on your own undesirable traits, or you can point it outward. It can get interesting either way.

When you choose A and point it inward, and it’s self torture.

When you choose B and point it outsward, everyone else gets tortured and you can get abandoned in your suffering.

I choose C. It stands for change. If it is up to be, it’s up to me! The bottom line is that when I’m shook, I can use poor judgment. I don’t like to feel bad about my choices, so I’ll look around at who, or what, to blame. (victim story: poor me with the HCV, cirrhosis, cancer, transplant)

The 3 R’s –  I can recognize  those thoughts without buying in. Then, I refuse to take action based on those thoughts. I recall the feelings that were the seed of those thought patterns. I give myself a hug and then CHANGE the subject.

The following one liners were on a little card at my bedside. At night time, and morning, they reminded me of what to do when I got all shook up.

I’m All Shook Up from PTSD with Liver Disease

Getting Unshook

I am taking responsibility for my inner space. I might not have a lot of control in some areas of my life, but I can control my thoughts. My mind is my own to dominate.

I refuse to worry. When I give in to compulsive worrying, it drains my energy. Just say NO.

I guard my thoughts. Living in the past or worrying about the future will not change my outer circumstances.

I do not react to negative situations with people. These are the worst. Sometimes things may come up. If you overreact to them, it will drain your energy. Stop it.

I listen to feelings of loss, anger, failure, or abandonment. They are real emotions. I can look at them with clarity and know that they are just feelings. Nothing more.

We all have self doubt, otherwise known as: I didn’t want life to turn out this way. After a while, it shakes you up.

Even if you got a cure, like with the Hep C virus, you can be shook. There may have already been liver damage. That was my case. So, the whole story keeps going. I’m beginning to believe that I will always be shaken.

When we’re shook, we hear a roaring voice coming up from deep inside. It may express itself in different ways, depending on a lot of factors. I think it is the sound of growth, like something new is being born inside of us. That growth means that change is coming, and it’s probably going to be for our good! We can shake off the negative and recognize and welcome the positive change. Doing my best. Xo Karen

For more about meditation or yoga go to karenrhoyt.com